Regency Dating

As the great Pat Benatar said, “love is a battlefield,” and things were no different during the Regency period.

            In order to be successful at dating in the Regency world, both ladies and gentlemen had to adhere to very strict (and sometimes hilarious) etiquette rules. For this reason, we at the Laura Secord Homestead thought it would be fun to create a 19^th century dating guide for us single 21^st century ladies:

What to Wear

Dating rituals often took place in very public settings, like “outings, assemblies, dances and supervised gatherings. Dancing was an excellent means of bringing people together, and in the British provinces in particular, many seem to have taken to the dance floor at every opportunity.”¹ Thus, what you wore to these public venues was very important, and you became a commodity of marriage, put on display for all to see. Ladies had to strike a very delicate balance between dressing to impress and remaining “unconcerned as to dress.”² After all, “elegance of appearance… should reflect elegance of mind.”³ And most importantly, ladies had to be modest! In fact, “care… was always taken to tread the line of respectability since loss of reputation was disastrous for a young woman.”⁴ Despite the often raunchy depictions of female dress and corsets on television and in Hollywood movies, modesty was one of the primary concerns of ladies during the period, and a lady’s reputation was hinged on her ability to remain attractive to young suitors while also remaining virtuous. Thus, modesty scarves were very common, and although it was appropriate to have low-cut necklines for an evening ball, most women wouldn’t be caught dead wearing low-cut dresses in the day time. Not to mention, it was best to keep your makeup to a minimum, and a lady who wore too much makeup ran the risk of appearing promiscuous.⁵

Getting a date

            If you were going to be successful on the dating scene, you had to know how to dance.  Many people were taught as children how to do steps and figures like Quidrilles, the Cotillian, Boulangeries, German Waltz etc.⁶ and “to dance badly… [was] inexcusable, and may be classed as a ‘Horrible Blunder.’”⁷ It was up to men to seek out women to dance, and in the mean time, ladies were allowed to communicate using something called the “language of the fan.” Basically, depending on how you held a fan in front of your body or waved it in front of your face would single different messages to suitors in the room. However, a lady’s role was essentially passive in these sorts of rituals. But “ladies… [still had] to strike a delicate balance: a lady must encourage a man’s affections, but not too strongly” and the language of the fan was helpful in that regard.⁸ If you were unhappy with the gentleman who would eventually ask you to dance it was not in your power to immediately find a more appealing or suitable partner. Sadly, if a lady “refused one gentleman, a lady may not accept another’s invitation.”⁹ Not to mention, “a lady may not invite a gentleman to dance.”¹⁰ However, if the social event was informal and very few men are present, two ladies could dance together.¹¹ Who you danced with was also very important, as “marriage was not only a personal contract but also an important institution…. Young people were expected to marry someone of their own background.”¹²  For that reason, a lady should be careful with who she danced with because  if you were to dance with a man more than 2 times in any given evening you were practically engaged, and it was unheard of to break an engagement during the Regency period.

            Don’t worry ladies, men also had to adhere to some strict dating rules. For example, a man could not ask you to dance without a formal introduction to your chaperones, and if he danced with you the night previous, he was expected to pay your house a visit the next morning for at least fifteen minutes (now, wouldn’t we all love the promise of a phone call from our gentlemen suitors).

            In small cities or towns, larger balls were not as common, however, “a young woman’s home was important as a place where possible suitors called or attended gatherings under the watchful eyes of parents or guardians.”¹³ This would have been the most likely situation for the Secord girls, considering they were middle class. In Lower Canada during the time, men could only court women if they had the intent of marrying them, whereas in Upper Canada, Sunday evenings were reserved for acts of courtship.¹⁴ Now James Secord, having six daughters, would have to address and monitor many meetings between his daughters and their suitors.

Romance in Wartime

The War of 1812 brought opportunity for romance to those countries affected by the conflict. Often times, young soldiers and officers would pass through a town and be charmed by many young ladies and vice versa. In fact, “wherever they went, the men in uniform left an impression, and civilian males often found themselves displaced by military suitors vying for the affection of the local belles.”¹⁵ This is exactly what happened to Mary Secord, Laura’s eldest daughter. She was courted by a surgeon named William Trumble, and moved to Ireland. (Way to go, Mary!)

 So ladies, if you want to land yourself a man like Mr. Darcy or Mr. Knightly, break out your best modesty scarves and log some time  practicing with your fan. And if you ever want to see these various dating rules in action, check out the PBS documentary “Regency House Party” where a group of people volunteer to go on a Regency-style dating show. The results are hilarious and disastrous, and it comes highly recommended by us at the Laura Secord Homestead for both entertainment and learning purposes.  

1.     Graves, 66.

2.     Ross, 65.

3.     Ross, 66.

4.     Graves, 66.

5.     Ross, 71.

6.     Ross, 50.

7.     Ross, 50.

8.     Graves, 69.

9.     Ross, 54.

10.  Ross, 55.

11.  Ross, 55.

12.  Graves, 66.

13.  Graves, 67.

14.  Graves, 67-68.

15.  Graves 75.

References

Graves, Dianne. “Love, Courtship, Marriage and Dangerous Liaisons” In In the Midst of Alarms:

The Untold Story of Women and the War of 1812,64-102.Canada: Robin Brass Studio, 2007.

Ross, Josephine. Jane Austen’s Guide to Good Manners. New York: Holtzbrinck, 2006.